This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
