God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
