You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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