i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
