Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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