A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sorry my hands just texted you
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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