so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
