i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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