Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
