My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
