I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
