Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My vagina is officially offended.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
