Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
