apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
