I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
