My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
