if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
