Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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