you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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