i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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