I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Randomize
