Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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