just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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