the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
