you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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