I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
