I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
