my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
