I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
