Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
