don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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