Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
