Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't deserve a penis
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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