On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
