I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
