Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
