So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
