just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
