apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
