I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
