i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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