Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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