why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
