Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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