i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
