do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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