Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
