woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
