I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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