My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
