My room smells like vodka and shame
Life is so much better after having sex.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
